Friday, February 7, 2014

Warm


So, the thing that you do when you say that you are over someone who broke your heart into a thousand pieces …the checking up on them on Facebook after you officially blocked them and then unblocked them…the creeping up on Facebook to see if they had the stones to actually post a picture with their new girlfriend…yeah, that just happened.

Fuck her and her fake niceness when she text me to see if I was really being held hostage in the Philippines or if my email was hacked. Fuck her and her concern. Just fuck her.

I’m happy. Ok, not so much happy. I’m content. I’m safe. I’m warm. I’m in a cocoon. It’s good. Not perfect but good. And safe. And not with her.

I should have never let the genie out of the bottle.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Be careful what you wish for

I have this friend – she’s more of an acquaintance. Let’s call her F.

Ever since I had my epiphany and came out to my friends, F has been friendlier…flirty even.  This is a problem for me.

F is much younger (just turned 30 last month), she’s very attractive – tall, thin (lanky even), blue eyes, big smile, young…you get the picture.

She’s always around because she used to be my best friend’s personal assistant and that position morphed into her becoming one of the “family” – invited to family events, a fixture on the couch during football season, etc.

F has just now found her independence after being put out of her mother’s home in a very dramatic fashion (please don’t ask why an almost 30 year old woman still resided in her mother’s home rent-free).

Nonetheless, F has been very attentive to me lately.

During the past few functions, she has rubbed my back, stroked my arms, stood WAY too close to me (I have a THING about personal space), rubbed away a lipstick mark from my face while (again) standing too close to me and made lots of innuendos. It was so obvious that I told two of my guy friends and both noticed that F basically gave me a lap dance while we were sitting around talking and listening to music.

So, I mentioned something to my bestie who (of course) just downplayed it as nothing, stating that F just likes attention.

Obviously.

But, that got me to thinking…I have a couple of girlfriends who seem to like the attention. Attention from The Lesbian.

One girlfriend D and I have been friends since high school. We had a very unfortunate drunken encounter-in-the-car scenario that damaged our friendship for years (I opened my big fat mouth and shared some of the details with a friend who I now know cannot hold water).

But now, every time we have Girl’s Nite, there inevitably is a stripper/stripclub story that requires D to grope me, lap dance on me or sit really close and rub on some part of me. All of which makes me extremely nervous.

As a teenager (when I started to realize that I was attracted to women), I was very careful not to stare, not to stand too closely, not to say or do anything that would give me away. I still am this way – hypersensitive to nearness, especially by women. It causes me anxiety because I don’t want them to get the wrong idea, even though it was really the right idea.

Sigh…

So, having these friends who relish the idea of the attention of a lesbian (but not really the focus of a lesbian) makes me uncomfortable because it demeans my sexuality. I would suppose that it makes it “safe” for these women to flirt and carry on with me because I’m just Me. But if I were a man, the lines would be drawn, partially because they wouldn’t want to lead him on and give him the wrong idea.

After thinking quite a bit about this, I decided (and told me closest guy friend who watched the latest lap dance spectacle) that the next time this happened, I was going to react just like a man would.

Who wants to bet that this behavior will stop?

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Personal Progress

Conversation:

G - I don't get what's the big deal with DOMA and SCOTUS...what does it all mean? I am confused... does this mean that they can married now or not?

Me - No, but it does help gay and lesbian couples financially. It allows them to collect pensions, in tax planning, with insurance coverage, etc. It affords them many of the same rights that straight couples are given under the law. ( I offered some examples).

G - What rights are different?

Me - Apparently, there are hundreds if not thousands of rights that straight couples are afforded that gays are not. Plus it does more the recognize their families that they build with their children. (I offered some examples here too)

G - Wow. I had no idea. Well, I guess I'm glad then. Everyone should be allowed to get married. Or divorced...hahaha...

A-hole.

But, it's progress. We can now have real conversations about gays without him freaking out or taking it personally.

I don't know how I feel about yesterday's news. I mean, I know that I am overjoyed and stand in solidarity with the people whom this directly affects. But, I don't know where I am in the crowd. I'm definitely an ally - always have been. But I've never felt part of the lesbian community. It's not been welcoming for me. Too many negative experiences, especially during my revelation and after my break-up with K. I'm a gay woman in a straight marriage who is afforded all of the rights and privileges of a "traditional" marriage.

This is the trouble with labels - I never know what hat I should wear. I guess I can continue like I have been - being a spectator who cheers for the home team, never playing in the game myself. It's safe here on the sidelines.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Deny myself no longer


It’s been months since I’ve written anything on my blog. I’ve been busy, but consumed with things that are interesting to me, not necessarily to anyone else.

I’ve kept my head down and toiled, toiled, toiled…

My house is coming along nicely. As with any 129 year old house, a small demo project turns into an avalanche of hidden problems and nagging headaches. Termite damage, cloth electrical wiring and water damage aside, the building is a gem. It’s probably 75% ready, so by pushing back the move-in date, scraping together more money and begging my brother-in-law to help me/us, we should be on target to move in next month.

My job is a job. It pays the bills and it offers lots of information to process. I’m gaining skills that I didn’t previously have, so I can be thankful for that.

Us – that’s been an interesting ride. My kids are excelling. With no more drama affecting our lives, my kids have blossomed. Both have graduated –my son from 8th grade and my daughter from kindergarten. They are ready for the summer with endless requests to visit the beach and swimming lessons and picnics. And I plan to honor every one.

My husband (the other part of the “Us”) is working very hard to make the building a home. In contrast to whom he was 5 years ago; this new husband relishes the chance to build our home. He’s warm and funny and attentive. He doesn’t push me or rush me or try to control me. He’s been very easy to get along with. And after the last couple of years, that’s a blessing. What I also appreciate is that he is now open to receiving me as I am. He doesn’t try to change me or push me back into a closet. We’ve had some conversation about my gayness and his response has been supportive. Not exploitative (“can we have a three-some”) or judgmental. He doesn’t try to label me or us. We just exist.

We attended a wedding last weekend, and I was able to truly enjoy myself (thanks to his co-workers), It’s been too long. I won’t deny myself any longer.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Distraction

I’ve been gone for so long…

I bought a house. A 3 story building in fact. A 3 story building that requires a lot of love. A lot of time. A lot of money. But I bought a house.

Its one thing to say you want something so badly, but it’s quite another to want something that requires so much investment.

If you read one of the seemingly endless home-improvement/renovation blogs, everything looks so easy. The changes are dramatic – from old, rundown, drab and dreary to sunny, brightened spaces with colorful punches and stylish decorating. There is never any real sense of cost – in sweat equity, in financial, in physical labor. It’s simply ugly one day and gorgeous the next.

So…not realistic.

I bought a 3 flat (as we call them in Chicago – they are called other things elsewhere apparently) that has rickety old stairs, cobwebs (spiders – I’m about to faint), years of grime over levels of paint that was used to cover even older grime (and lead paint probably). There is faded peel-n-stick floor tile on the wall in one kitchen used as a backsplash – yeah…And a tenant that refuses to leave, citing the city’s reluctance to generally evict anyone, even though they haven’t paid rent in over a year…let that soak in.

Add to it all, there is a water bug infestation with insects that are so large, they look like crickets. So big, my brother-in-law and husband squeal every time they see them. (Did I mention that both guys are 6’3’’ and over 250 lbs.?).

So, this is my focus right now. Spending hours on Pinterest gathering ideas for paint colors and DIY Network for instructions on how to install crown molding. It’s a somewhat welcome distraction from the disastrous rest of my life – actually, it’s more of a distraction that is being used to get me back on track. Focused on the positive and not on the drama.

I’ll take it. At least for now.

Monday, March 4, 2013

The Big Reveal

I've mentioned before that I've been working towards something momentous and now the moment has arrived...

I bought a house.

Not just a house but a fixer-upper that needs lots of love (which I have in spades) and lots of money (ummm...)...

This house is actually a 129 year old, 3-flat building that was slipping into foreclosure by a very dramatic, overly ambitious (apparently) woman who bought it as an investment. But I don't think she really thought through the idea because to make money on an investment, you have to make an initial investment. It's clear that, short of new locks and some cheap paint, this place hasn't been updated since the 1930's...gulp!

Adding insult to injury, there is a tenant that refuses to leave the first floor unit, so now I am a landlord, albeit, a temporary, reluctant landlord. But, I am sure that this will all work out.

This golden nugget of an update is stolen time - I am swamped with work and I have a huge meeting today that I have to prepare for. But I have lots more to share. This is already an adventure in the making...

But I just couldn't wait to share some of my good news. Can you feel it?

The tide is changing for me!




Thursday, February 7, 2013

Never Say Never


You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.” Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

 

This line has been in my thoughts every day since someone else posted it on Facebook. I used to love Grey’s Anatomy but after all the drama, the plane crash (WTF) and killing off two of my favorite characters, I’m pretty much done.

Nonetheless, I have loved much of the heartfelt dialogue, sometimes from Meredith Grey. Not the whole “…choose me, pick me, love me…” speech – that sucked. I hate hate hate weak, wimpy women.

But, I do love much of what that character has to say. It’s truth (to me). They are real thoughts and feelings and pain. So much pain. I responded to this quote because I can only imagine what K thinks about my current life direction.

I got back together with my husband.

Let that sink in.

Ok, grab a glass of wine….now…

I invited him to go on vacation with my friends and I for a number of reasons: I didn’t want to be the odd-man out with a trip full of married folks, I didn’t want to go to Paradise and not have anyone there to experience it with me. He is a great person to travel with – fun, down to try anything, willing to go anywhere. My biggest issues with him were that I had to plan everything, pay for anything and tell him where to go and what time. What I forgot was that he did all the heavy lifting; he made sure that every tip was taken care of; he got us to the gate on time. He held his own. So, I invited him to go.

Long story short, we had the best time. Our friends were fun (of course), the resort was beautiful, the weather was spectacular and I got a fantastic tan. I also shed some of my shyness and tanned topless! (when in Rome and all that…)

So, in the midst of all this vacationing, he and I re-kindled a spark. I didn’t plan it and neither did he. We both had decided that our marriage was over. I realized that I was gay and he realized that he needed to move on. The problem with both of those plans was that neither of us found anyone that we felt like we could grow old together with. He met women who were out to fleece his pockets and I found …well, you know what I found.

I also realized that I was at another fork in the road. This time, I could take the road that led me towards an unknown path, filed with loneliness, exclusion, drama and pain. In none of my experiences in the gay community did I feel like a part of that community. I was never welcome. I was always too much of something or not enough of something else. Either I was tainted by my past relationships with men, or I was too old, or I was a mom who couldn’t go out to Happy Hour (oxymoron) during the week because I was doing homework with my kids. I even was evicted from not one but two (!) lesbian groups because I didn’t attend 2 meetings – so much for inclusion.

Ditched by the one that I loved, I was left to figure out what to do next – all alone. And I realized a few truths – my truths:

·         I don’t want to remarry anyone – male or female. I will fight for the rights for all who want to get married but I’m not going down that road with anyone else. I’m either remaining married to this guy or no one at all.

·         I will never adopt someone else’s interests if I don’t find them interesting. For example (and this may make me a bad lesbian but…) I don’t get into Tegan and Sara. Maybe if I had come out at 18 and listened in college…no, I still doubt it. I’m not a hipster. I’m 42 years old and just not into being alternative, edgy or hip.

·          I’m also not into LGBT-specific books exclusively – I have other interests. I actually like crime and fiction and all kinds of other stuff. Being gay is not my only characteristic.

·         I love making love with and having sex with women. Period. No reflection on men. I find women (some women) beautiful and sexy. But sex isn’t all there is to life.

·         I want a life – a robust, full life that includes a partner that wants similar things out of their life. Someone who I can trust with my heart and my safety and secrets and everything. Someone who doesn’t cut and run when life gets tough. Because inevitably, life does get tough. There are losses and health issues and problems and tragedies and I need someone that I can depend on.

 

So, I choose to work on re-establishing my relationship with my husband. Because he can be that person. He hasn’t always been. Selfish and spoiled – he’s the first to admit that he wasn’t the best husband the first time around. But, the difference is that he now recognizes where he went wrong the first time.

 

How will this work? I mean being a gay woman who is married to a man. I have no answers and neither does he. All we both know is that we can start by communicating honestly with each other about the taboo topics that we avoided the first time. And by giving each other space to be who we are. I’m not going back into anyone’s closet and he’s not demanding that I should. In fact, the experiences he’s had these 3 years have opened him up to thinking differently and seeing the world differently and being less of a dictator and more of a partner. It’s odd. I never saw this coming.

 

But, you should never say never.

 

 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Picking myself up and dusting myself off…


I’ve been busy. Not too busy to read (blogs, books – on a brand new Kindle no less), but too busy to sit down and write.  Coming down from the holidays now and I have a moment to check in a just think…

This past holiday season was one of the best in a very long time. Although I had to continue stretching myself to get valuable family time with all of them (because they cannot get along together), I got my batteries recharged. My cousin is continuing to party his way thru life like a college student, which I have no problem with. Except he turned 30 this year.

Not a good look if I say so myself.

His long suffering girlfriend was in tears, but I believe that she will wait it all out because she really loves him and sees a future with him. She also loves his mother so much (my aunt) and cannot bear to let go of this relationship. Sigh. I wish I had some magical words of wisdom to share with her (and harsh words for him) but I don’t. Ultimately, they are all adults who have to be responsible for their choices in life. No matter how wrong I believe that they are, these are not my burdens to bear. Still make me sad though.

My dad came thru with ridiculously extravagant gifts (which we all loved) and just needed to recharge his batteries, which was nice as well. To think that my home is seen as a place of refuge and comfort and safety. It fits my intention.

I’ve continued to over-commit to mother’s groups and community activism and school participation, so there are never ending requests for meetings, conference calls, volunteer hours, etc.

Additionally, I am in the middle of purchasing a new (older) home that will require lots of loving care. It’s a multi-unit building that I plan to rehab into a single family home for my children and I. There will come a day that they will leave the safety and security of the nest, and I would like to create a safe place for them to land when they come back. Because, let’s face it, temporarily or for a longer term, they always come back…So the process of buying a home squeezes into the cracks of free time that I have.

And my children have their very busy lives - from swimming lessons for Sydney to high school entrance exams for Tyler, to playdates and movie nights and trips out with friends, my patience (and pockets) are empty…

But, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My life, as chaotic and stressful as it can be right now, is overflowing with goodness, kindness and contentment. I am learning to be kinder to myself, and by extension, others around me. I am finding that I enjoy the company of my children because I like the people that they are turning out to be. I am starting to believe that I am worthy of all of the goodness that is flowing in my direction.

By extending myself, I’ve met some new and interesting people who (to my great surprise) are very interested in getting to know me as well. Friendships are so terribly hard to come by. Honest and genuine friendships, I mean. But, it’s worth it to try. To be courageous and put myself out there.  Having courage is not my strong suit. It’s the character trait that I have identified that I will work on this year.
And my first step on this road is to pick myself up and dust myself off…

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Isn't She Lovely?

The day after Christmas is my daughter Sydney's birthday.


This time of year is always so busy for us since we try to celebrate with every member of our family and since none of them get along, we have to celebrate separately (can you say pain in the ass?).

Making Holiday goodies from Pinterest ideas. Don't judge us!

I'm exhausted too!
My sweetie always makes out like a bandit (see below). Seriously Grandpa? Drums??



Usually she has a party at home with just family and we send cupcakes to school so that her friends could celebrate with her. But this new school has banned birthday celebrations (Boo Hiss!) citing obesity problems and disruptions in their lesson plans (since when has school been so BORING? Outlawing cupcakes? Screw them!)

Fake gun (obviously), real crazy uncle
Anyway, so this year Syd turns 6. She's been great about it, only wanting everything that she sees on TV. She wanted the fur vest for months (I know, right?) And she wanted shoes with heels (I didn't buy heels but I did buy sparkly ballet flats and cute boots so I get a pass).


We're still opening bags around here, filled with items that I never even saw.

So, before we get too far into our routine again, I wanted to stop and say...

Happy Birthday Sydney Elizabeth. I love you my darlin'!







Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Time Heals, Right?


Last night, I had the most realistic dream. I dreamt that I discovered that I had been right all along – K had another lover. In my dream, I confronted her and asked very pointed questions, none of which she chose to answer truthfully. I asked these questions, even though I already knew the answers. We were at a dinner party and most people were carrying on conversations, so apparently we were civil. But, I felt vindication in my knowledge that all of her denials were false and I could prove that she played me foul.

It was so vivid – this dream. I imagined how the lover looked – long dark hair and dark eyes. I saw every sheepish expression on K’s face, every stutter before the false, every defensive nervous tic.

And I woke up from this dream – clear of head and heart. I woke up aware that my subconscious knew what my reality still cannot fully grasp. That she’s gone. That she left me for someone else.

It hurts but not as much as before. I guess I’m healing. I’m still not ready – for anything or anyone else. But, I’m eliminating her from my system like poison.

Time heals, right?